Recipe for Living

With the holidays approaching, it makes me think of my grandfather, God rest his soul. He LOVED to cook. To him, every day was Thanksgiving or Christmas or Fourth of July and any excuse he could use to fire up the grill or put a pot of water to boil, he certainly did just that!

It was fairly standard practice – and often in unison – when you walked through the door at my grandparent’s house your greeting would include “are you hungry? Did you eat?” He was always conjuring up some new recipe for eggs or fresh pasta sauce or frying up his latest catch from the bay, yet the aromas that emanated from their kitchen had a familiar and comforting place in my nose. He was famous for his pesto sauce and had quite a talent for BBQ chicken and sausage. It wasn’t uncommon for him to light up the grills at 9am and slow cook the chicken all day. My grandmother would run circles around him prepping all the basics; picking veggies from their ridiculously large veggie garden, chopping them into the desired diced pieces, peeling onions and potatoes, grabbing the flour, the sugar, the salt… and of course cleaning up the mess he left behind in a whirlwind of creativity.

But even stronger than his love for cooking was his desire to be surrounded by family and friends; food, although an important part, in essence, was just a backdrop. The old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” was basic recipe for living in my grandparent’s house, only he was the one cooking and winning the hearts of all who walked through his door.

It wasn’t uncommon for him to make friends with strangers and of course, do what he did best, preach the gospel and prepare a feast for the king of all kings! My grandfather knew more people around the world than I can ever imagine. I’m pretty sure somewhere out there is a man (or many men and women) telling the story of “this one time when I visited Center Moriches I met a man named Martin…” This was how he shared himself with the world and in doing so, he has left a legacy of himself, through food.

So this holiday season, and every single one to come, I vow to make an unforgettable aromatic memories for my son so that my legacy (and my grandfather’s) will be passed on to generations after me. And most of all, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful to have that opportunity.

rough day...

she's on my mind today and always in my heart.

Solid foundations

ive been negligent on my blog again. Two weeks has brought on so many new things! Fevers. colds. head bangs. 5am wake ups. splish splashing in the tub. trips to see Great Grandma. And so much more. But most of all, i love being a mommy. Its the hardest, most tiring, exhausting, draining, mind-boggling job i have ever had. And yet... the most rewarding! Love my little squirt!

I think one of the most important things I would want you to understand is the fact that it's so hard to raise a child without a solid, loving marriage. If there is no strong foundation, the 'building' will come tumbling down. Its so hard to see when you've never been through it. My hope for you is to find someone who fits you... who strengthens you... loves you... pushes you in all the right ways... your daddy is that person for me... He's an awesome man!

sleeping techniques

growing up

Last night was the second night my little boy slept in his own room down the hall. We all did really well. I only got up to check on him one time the first night and not at all the second. He sleeps 8 hours on the dot every night now. What a relief not to have to get up 1-2-3-4 times a night...

He's also starting to sit up with just a little help. He tends to fall sideways when you let him go for more than a second or two. Its pretty funny to watch. The transformations go goes through on a daily basis is utterly amazing.

He's quite the little giggler. LOVES Chase, our dog and Chase loves him back! He loves to be outdoors. Loves camping. We went camping two weeks ago up in the catskills. He slept through both nights without even batting an eye. We're going camping again in about 3 weeks.

Time is flying by and i'm loving every second of it...

meeting blogger friends

I had such a nice time meeting one of my blogger friends tonight. She asked me to do some photographs of her kids. Here's one of my favorites. Of course, she said i couldnt show up without the baby! LOL. Both the baby and daddy came along for the ride!

just like her

the strangest thing crossed my mind several times this weekend. As you may know, my grandmother has alzheimers. There's not much left of "her" anymore... just a shell with occasional glimpses of who she was. It's very hard to watch her slowly drift away, particularly for someone who has given herself so unselfishly all her life.

There were several instances this weekend where i thought "gee ..that's just like grandma..." or "grandma used to always do that". The funny part was... i was the one doing those things... things we always thought were very typical of her...and very humormous...

like....

...bending over and weeding in the garden all day long... even though her back hurt. She just impulsively couldnt stop til the job was done...

Rob yelled at me on Saturday morning because i kept complaining about my back and yet... i still kept going...and going...and going... "you just cant stop can you?" he said.

...or how about when i stuck my fingers in a pot of hot water to grab a piece of corn. I recall laughing at her as a child when she did this... and of course, i laughed at myself when i reached in the hot water and did the same thing the other night.

...or how about mowing the lawn. Grandma was notorious for pushing the little mower around her big backyard while grandpa sat upon his ride-on tractor(his throne). She claimed it was good exercise...and it is! After eating tons of crap this weekend and various BBQs etc, I told Rob i really needed to go for a walk last night. He said "how about mowing the lawn instead"!

So there was...pushing the little red push mower (that grandpa bought for us as a wedding present by the way)thinking how "grandma" this whole scene was. The old man from across the street watched in aw as I pushed pushed pushed...

I pushed until rob came outside with a big smile on his face.

"Come watch this".

My son had reached a milestone in his life... he rolled from his belly to his back. We were so excited for him! He's one step closer to his independence. You can see the determination in his eye when he wants to grab something. He's very "grandma" that way...

This thought made me smile as i finished pushing the mower around the lawn with determination and pride in my step... just like grandma.

mommy log - June 27th

found you on your belly in your crib the other morning. Shocked me a little but i was so proud. I did however leave you that way for a little while to see if you could roll back. Not yet i guess.

Aunt Christy also gave us her exersaucer. You seem to like it and your ability to maneuver around in it surprises us. You seem to LOVE peaches but only when daddy feeds them to you LOL. Go figure. Tomorrow starts apple. Then in a few days, pear. I love making baby food for you, but i dont love the big fat burn i have on my arm from doing it! ::: sigh ::: The pains of loving your child!


We also went to visit your great-grandma today and finally had a pleasant hour or so with her before she started getting anxious. She kissed your cheek, your feet, and your hands several times. She LOVED seeing you smile and laugh. And i was thankful for the exchange between all three of us after a few not so great visits.


I miss grandma... i miss the woman she used to be. I miss our walks... our bread baking... our chats about "my happiness". "Are you happy?", she always asked. It was always her sincerest desire for her children and grandchildren to be happy.

honoring a life - remembering when....

Said goodbye to your great grandpa last night. It was bittersweet. He was ready to go to heaven, but he will be missed. I have so many stories to tell you about him. So many funny, amazing, and literally unbelieveable stories to tell you...

Your uncle mike and cousin chris said some beautiful words about him. Here's a piece of my brother's speech, which by the way, was amazing.

My grandfather, Martin Beccaria, was unique, complex, elegant, and beautiful. He was a strong father, a devoted husband, a loving grandfather. It is an honor to be here to celebrate and remember the life of a man who touched so many lives of those around him...even, as I've recently heard, the bank teller at his local bank who cried when she heard the news of his passing.

I was thinking for a long time about how to describe my grandfather to people who may not have known him without spouting out a bunch of adjectives, each losing meaning as you make the list longer and harder to appreciate.

I finally settled on three which I think pull out all of the "stuff" that is grandpa, both good and bad, light and dark, easy and hard and mix them all into one. When I think of Grandpa, I think of Family, Food, and God.

Family, Food, and God.

I think about my cousins and the times we spend in grandpa's back yard doing dangerous things with tractors and fire, those memories in the treehouse made by my uncles, or climbing the apple tree, remnant of which are still there today. I learned to tie my shoelaces behind my grandfather's house. All of us cousins have wonderful memories in that back yard.

Memories of sausages and bread plates passed around, sometimes with a gourd, bombilla and thermos not far behind. And the smell of grandpas house and the heartfelt hugs grandma would give, where you could just feel the love fill you up inside. When I was about 8 or so, grandma would give me these bear hugs and crush the side of my head right into her boobs, practically suffocating me. I'm not sure, but I think we all experienced this around that age, or shall I say height. I wasn't sure whether to be traumatized or thankful for the hug. We all have our smell...grandpas house smelled unique to me. Sweet and salty...perhaps like fried garlic and onions. And sometimes aqua velva, a smell I will always associate with him.

Some of the best memories I have with my cousins are us sitting around telling stories of our grandfather in our youth...there were so many of them.

This past week my cousins had a facebook email exchange where we where sharing old memories with one another. As you hear some of these, I remind you to think of my crazy and amazing grandfather. Perhaps you will also be reminded of family, food,and God:
Natasha:
• I remember a few of us wanted to sell lemonade in front of his house on main street and of course Grandpa wanted to teach his grandchildren good business sense... so he charged us for the lemonade, the water and a rental fee to use his lawn! LOL.
Karen:
• He was the best Grandpa there ever was. I remember early morning Saturday pancake breakfasts with his church friends (Helen & Austin Dawson), attending Word of Life conventions with my cousins, unsafely riding on the tractor with him at 176 Main Street and ALL of us cousins "ridin' the blade" (we have photos of this!!!) I remember all of his unconditional love and support my WHOLE life. He bought me my first Smith Corona "word processing typewriter." I especially remember him shipping me frozen pesto pasta during my 4 years at Cortland. I couldn't wait for that UPS truck to get there.

Daniel wrote:
• I remember his love of his CH-evy caprice classic "now thats a car sonny" ....
I also remember trying to make a fire with mikey and chris and phil when we were YOUNG we couldn't have been 10 years old. Grandpa walked out and decided to show us how to make a real fire..... paint cans and gasoline!!!! the ground was scorched for years after that....

Christopher Penney:
• i remember grandpa and i spent half a day sitting in those cheap white plastic chairs on his back patio... shooting bumble bees with a shotgun. not kidding.
• i remember grandpa brought home a purple (for real, Purple) isuzu hombre pickup to surprise grandma. she hated it so much that he sold it a short while later.

Melissa Goodyear:
• how when we were young, he would shoot the cats who bothered his birds, then years later, he would shoot the birds to teach the cats how to hunt.
Kristopher Mattson:
• Pancakes at the Hoiliday Inn. All I remember is we went on one of his trips and had teh best darn pancakes anywhere. To this day I have yet to have a set of them that would stand up to that trip!
Phillip Penney
• I remember one time going over to grandpas to borrow some tools. As I walked toward the shed with him and my dad I saw the back end of a nice white cat and thought wow that is a little strange the cat is sleeping half under the shed...as I bent down to pet it, I called up to grandpa and asked confusedly "hey grandpa why is your cat sleeping here?"...grandpa looked down at me and said calmly "ooh, he’s no sleeping"....instantly I knew and jumped back.

Shortly later grandpa explained to me that “that Son of a Gun" was eating his other cats food...so in grandpa fashion when faced with a problem, he must choose from some of his problem solving tools such as a sling shot, aqua Velva, dynamite, a shotgun, or more garlic. In this case, like many others grandpa decided for the trusty 22 gauge.



One of the things i am most grateful for, is those last moments he spent smiling at my son...his great-grandson.

Love you grandpa... you will be missed but never forgotten!

mommy's log - June 14, 2009

You squeeled like a happy little baby last night and your daddy and I were so elated! It couldnt have come at a better time. Your great-grandpa is going to heaven. Its been a hard year for everyone, but he is ready and at peace. He saw you smile last week and i could see how happy it made him. He's so proud of his status as a grandfather! I have so many stories to tell you about him! Remind me to tell you about the time he wanted to teach us good business skills when we sold lemonade on Montauk Hwy so many years ago!

mommy's log - June 11, 2009

Started making baby food for you today! Lots of yummy colors and flavors. My goal is to see that you arent as picky of an eater as I was (and still am). We started giving you a little rice cereal and, this week, oatmeal. So far you love oatmeal. Rice cereal.. not so much.

its been a busy week for us, little man! so many photoshoots and now you have taken to crying for a couple of hours almost every night. Not sure what this is about but i had to reposition a comfortable chair under the ceiling fan because that is the only thing that calms you down. I'm thinking you actually might be teething... you chew on your fingers and make a big frown on your face and sad noises. The wash cloth thing seems to help too. I decided to give you tylenol as well when you start crying. I feel so bad for you!

mommy's log - June 4, 2009

well, so much for the sleeping through the night. I fed you at midnight last night and you still found the need to wake at 430am for a diaper change and a bottle! I dont mind. You're still really little so its expected that your schedule is somewhat erratic!

We're sitting on the bed today. Its kinda rainy and chilly (at least for June) and so we are both in PJs. I am folding laundry and watching a special on the Obama's.

You're such a funny little guy... you freak out when i sneeze so i really have to becareful when i let it loose! Just this morning, I had to blow my nose and it scared the daylights out of you. You make such a cute little pouty face that all i can do is giggle as you scream in my arms.

Of course right now, you're all smiles! And that makes me very happy!

mommy's log - May 30th

milestone today!

You slept through the whole night last night... 930pm to 5:30am. Im still in shock and anxiously waiting to see if we'll have a repeat session tonight.

I think i was only slightly more excited when i found i was pregnant!

mommy's log - may 29, 2009

its been a rough week for both of us. Mommy's sick and you're sick of mommy being sick! I totally get that kiddo! Next week will be better... walks to the park... more outside time... and we'll get to spend time with Great Grandma and Great Grandpa since they are moving back to NY this weekend.

You are growing so fast. I can't get over how much your face looks more like a little boy, instead of the tiny little newborn i brought home more than 3 months ago. You've started getting interested in the TV this week, so we bought you a baby mozart dvd that you seem quite intrigued with. Even I like it. It's relaxing and a great way for us to sit and chill together. I even have it playing right now as you sleep next to me on my bed.

Your smile kills me! And you started giggling for daddy this week. For some reason you find him entertaining. Must be the funny faces he makes! You thought it was pretty funny that daddy teased you about "spewing all over mommy" the other day. I wasn't as amused of course, but i loved hearing you giggle and I love that you have a special bond with your daddy.

There are so many things i look forward to doing with you in the near and distant future, but then i remember that I simply must enjoy these days with you as an infant because they will never ever come again.

baby blues

baby blues...

We are hoping he will keep his blue eyes... its fairly likely since we both have blue eyes as well.

He'll be three months this week. Where has time gone? He came down with a cold this weekend. Poor thing. Its not too bad and he's mostly in good spirits.... just stuffy and coughing a little. He should be fine in a few days im sure!

Motherhood agrees with me. I love being a mom. Of course there are good days and bad days but I love knowing the intimate details of what makes my boy cry, talk, coo... what comforts him when he's sad or mad. He and i are still getting to know each other but the last week or so has been so awesome. He's started smiling and cooing so much. He recognizes my voice and looks for me in the room when he hears me. Same with his daddy. I guess that's a good sign that we are doing something right!

tender moments

Is there anything more precious in the whole world than the man you love comforting your child? My little man just wasnt having anything to do with me last night. He was cranky and tired but mommy couldnt hold him right. Five minutes in daddy's arms and he stopped crying and fell fast asleep. I had to capture the moment. It was so tender, i almost cried.

family

I'm having a great time here in Maryland with my aunts and cousins. My cousin melissa, mother to three girls (5,4,and 7 months) opened up her home to me and we fit right in.... yours, mine and ours. She and I are enjoying our time together and i am learning lot about her photography business while im down here. She's taken a few shots of my little one and im hoping to get some of the two of us together this week before we head home.

I've been picking up my camera a bit more down here and taking shots of her and her family. When youre the photographer, you're never in the picture, so i told her i would snap some for her.
















I also took this one of my little boy after he fell asleep on the couch next to me last night.

my visit to maryland... so far

snapped some shots while visiting my cousin and her three beautiful daughters this week. I also had a chance to see my grandparents. My grandmother has alzheimers so 99% of the time she doesnt even know who i am or who my baby is, but it was so nice to see how big of a smile she had when she held him. my cousin took the picture of me with Grandma.

north fork

Since i moved to Sayville a couple of years ago, my visits to the north fork are limited. But today i got to head out to see some friends and stop at the Catapano Goat Farm. She's open for the season and is doing some fun stuff this summer. Soon she'll be announcing a "name the baby goat" contest with the latest little one's arrival (yesterday).

Things I learned as a new mommy:

our little boy is growing so fast! Where does the time go?

Things I learned as a new mommy:

1. to eat a meal with my right hand (when im left handed)
2. to change a diaper quick enough before getting christened
3. I married the greatest man on earth.
4. i never thought i could love my husband more than i already did... but i do.
5. to use all the newborn clothes you possibly can because they grow out of them before you can blink!
6. baby blues SUCK but it DOES eventually go away!
7. being a stay at home mommy ROCKS!
8. advice from family and friends is priceless, but in the end you must do what you feel is right for your family.
9. that five minutes of quality time with your baby out weighs a clean house, finished laundry and paid bills any day of the week and twice on sunday!
10. nothing... and i mean nothing... gives you a warm tingly feeling inside like the first time your child looks at you and smiles.

pictures

i started writing about my whole birthing experience and i dont know if im going to share it yet, but its still a work in progress. Until then... here's some new pictures i took today.

New Arrival

our boy has arrived. I havent posted much on here but will be writing about the whole experience soon when my husband goes back to work on Thursday. I have alot to say.

The Grand Finale

Well, it looks like the grand finale of this 9 month fiasco is going to planned out (pending i last the weekend). The doctor scheduled me for induction on Tuesday evening with a projected birth of Wednesday. We're looking forward to the big day and will probably spend the weekend cleaning and preparing for our little one's arrival.

At the appt today, the sonogram estimated baby's weight at 8lbs 6oz. His head is nearly 10cm. Is anyone cringing yet? I am! my blood pressure is with in range but they are still keeping me under close watch. All the tests i have taken in the last few weeks have shown no signs of stress for me or the baby. All great news.

Im fortunate in that Rob will be home with me for 2 weeks, not including hospital time. It will be a wonderful asset to have him around. He's going to be a wonderful daddy. He's proven himself worthy in the way he has provided for his family on a daily basis in the last months.

Rob's parents have been in South Carolina for the last two weeks and their arrival home will be timed perfectly on Sunday afternoon. My parents are still in florida, but my mom will arrive home just in time on Wednesday to shoot home and then head to the hospital to visit. My dad will be following a couple of days later I assume.

We are super excited that we finally have an end to this stage and moving into the next one with open arms and much anticipation. We look forward to meeting this little one who has slowly and surely tortured me over the last several months.

I still feel like this is all a dream. someone pinch me please.

endless dreams

you know how they say if you die in your dreams, you die in real life? I dont know if it's really true but i can say that something similar has happened to me (sans death).

I often have these recurring theme dreams where i am running from building to building or house to house looking for a bathroom. My bladder is almost always full and i'm pretty darn desperate to relieve myself. Sometimes i even find a stall where the door is intact, the seat isnt gross and the plumbing is actually working and when i go to try and relieve myself, it just WONT come out....

....except this one time.

I swear its only ever happened once where began to actually "go". Well, at least in my adult life. I was in my early 20s at the time and man was it embarrassing.

Well, today, i feel like im having a similar dream, but thank god, no bathroom necessary for this dream.

You see, I've always wanted to have a baby and so, this being part of my dream, I have endured a tough pregnancy and now coming to the end, i feel like it's just never going to happen. I seek the end of this chapter with eagerness and anxiously await to start the next. I'm in my bathroom nightmare again, no end in sight...no relief from this constant pressure and discomfort..

....and yet, ironically enough, I visit the bathroom 3-4 times a night these days! Go figure!

Maybe i really am dreaming? Maybe i'm not really pregnant and i'm just waiting to "wake up" only to discover my life is dismal and empty with no husband, no bulging belly, no overwhelming happiness in my heart. I fear the worst, that the climax of this dream will be me holding my child in my arms only to be woken by some strange noise in my lonely house and empty bed.

I know it sounds sad, but i'm hormonal and i cant really help it.

Capturing history

One last picture of me before my belly disappears (we hope!).

update

I have not written in quite some time but most of my blog readers get updates on facebook. Im still pregnant!! What fun this has turned out to be. I have been taken out of work however, due to some blood pressure issues. I was on bedrest all week last week but not I have been given the blessing of the doctors to "walk the baby out". And so i am trying to remain as active as i can these days.

Im having contractions now and then and I even ended up at the hospital a couple of times last week for labor checks with no luck. I was there all day on Monday, and somehow three women had their babies and I went home pregnant. UGH!

Anyway, I was given a wonderful baby shower about three weeks ago. It was so relaxed and so nice. Rob and I are pretty much set with everything... the nursery is complete. The carseat is installed. We are READY but this little boogerhead is not. So we will let him cook a little longer. I just hope he knows he's coming out whether he likes it or not in the next couple of weeks. We are very eager to meet him as is the rest of the world.

thoughts

i feel for those who
miss out on iconic
moments in life.
Moments that define
the future and send
a message to those
who love them and
are loved by them:
abandonment, saddness,
disrespect. Those left
behind are left to wonder
what they did wrong,
why they were left behind,
and how they will never,
ever, do it to anyone else
in the future.
The choice is theirs,
but the effect is everlasting.

old timers

What a day I had the other day.

I decided, since I was heading home early, that i was going to stop and do the food shopping for the week.

I rummaged around the market for about 30-40 minutes gathering up everything on our mental list for dinners this week. I got on line (not the eself-checkout like I usually do because I wanted help with bagging since I’m so unbelievably slow in everything I do these days).

There was a man in front of me and a woman in front of him just finishing up her transaction. The lines were full, but not out of control. However, at this point it wasn’t HOW many people were on line, it was more about WHO was on line.

Here I am almost 34 weeks pregnant, belly out to here (visualization of me patting my tummy) and I was surrounded by old people.

I love old people.. really I do.

I used to work in a nursing home. However, with that experience comes insight in to a deep, mysterious, complex, eccentric group of people with their own agenda. Though I will admit, the insight does nothing for you when you try to understand their decision making and thought process. Somewhere in that brain the synapses aren’t quite firing right and so their actions are out control.They have no sense of their surroundings.

My biggest pet peeve is their inability to truly comprehend and respect of anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, and space. Tunnel vision is what I call it. They can only handle their own little world right there in front of them and any other kind of interruption into their current thought process makes them cranky and stupid.

THIS is where I continue with my supermarket story.

As the man in front of me on line paid for his things, I, slowly and surely, emptied my cart onto the moving conveyor belt and the young (very young) boy began to scan my items. I noticed several people (the older kind) behind me in line, practically breathing down my cart, anxiously waiting their turn to put their items on the conveyor as well. When I was done emptying my basket, I moved to the other end of the counter where I began to bag my items.

What I didn’t expect was for the lady behind me to follow me all the way to the paying counter where she stood and emptied her cart and acted like it was her turn. I tried not be my “pregnant” hormonal self and just ignored her as much as i can, but i couldnt help but be annoyed that she was invading my space.

I continued to bag when I realized the young boy was scanning a big head of broccoli…

EWWW.

I hate broccoli and I would never put it in my card. Apparently he had scanned several of this woman’s groceries with my things. I corrected him and he took them off the bill. The woman, standing at the paying counter, grabbed the bagged birthday card I bought for Rob and said “don’t forget this”. I looked at her and said, “I know, im still bagging my things and I have to pay”.

She looked dumbfounded, like "I" was doing something wrong.

What do you mean you didnt pay yet? It's MY turn... hurry up. What's your problem anyway. All these thoughts were protruding from her eyes as she glared at me.

At that point I was pissed that I was being rushed and pushed right out of my spot. Her cart completely blocked me from getting to the electronic paying machine at the counter. I told her she had to back up so I could pay my bill. She turned to back up and began pushing this old man behind her and yelling at him to back up. All the while rolling her eyes as she did it...thinking 'ughh.. this lady doesnt know what she's doing'.

Of course, that poor old man... completely oblivious to what was going on... was busy putting his canned goods neatly on the conveyor belt. He couldn’t hear her (or chose to ignore her). The whole scene began to escalate and soon the man was yelling at her without even looking up to see what was the problem. It was a nightmare and all because these people had no patience or sense enough to observe that it was still my turn.

Somehow, I managed to get in there to pay my bill. Then I grabbed my cart and practically ran out of the store before I burst in to a rage of fury!

When I finally got to my car i breathed a sigh of relief!! I think I'll stick to shopping with my hubby in the future. It just seems to be so much less tramautic!

I piled all the groceries into my trunk when I realized....

CRAP...I have that lady’s roast AND I paid for it too!

I just wanted to get the hell out of Dodge! And so ... I left... roast and all!