Love of my life

I frequently call Christy on the phone randomly throughout the day to chat about life and such. And quite often Lucas, her adorable 2 year old little boy, fights her for the phone... a small, but rather interesting obsession of his. Most of the time my ear is filled with button pushes and incoherent words that only mommy understands. A phone call like that usually leaves me 1. smiling from ear to ear, 2. laughing like crazy, and 3. with the biggest case of baby fever one can imagine.


I often recall the day i held him in my arms when he was born. A day i knew my life would change forever. He's not my child, but he is, in my mind, the next step into adulthood for both me and Christy. It was a sign of "growing up" and how fast life is passing us by.

So it was no surprise that i had a taste of "life passing by" when i called to chat with my friend and "the little man". Lucas - lover of chocolate, cars and emptying drawers - grabbed the phone from his mother and began spewing words I had never heard him say before. Apparently "little man" hadn't reached his word quota for the day. In an instant i was engaged in his world and, as I always do, mention how much I love him.


"Lucas, I love you", in the same tone I always say to him over the phone. My life changed in an instant because his very next response was, "Tasha"! He said my name (which i might add he had never done before, atleast not directly relating to me!). I felt proud and at the same time I melted as a tear came to my eye. I again admitted my love for this little boy on the other end of the phone and to show is gratitude he said "Thank you" in a most polite voice. That's exactly how i felt. "Thank you". Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for loving me back. Thank you for sharing m&ms with me. Thank you for hello smiles and goodbye kisses. Thank you for giggly playtimes on the floor in your room and most of all... thank you for saying my name.

My Christmas List

It's not the first Christmas tree I had for just me, but it certainly is a special one. This tree means more to me than ever.

Not only am i celebrating the holidays, but this time last year I was still healing from all the major changes in my life. I was sad and scared and alone.

This year I am content and excited and, even though I have someone in my life right now, alone is not so scary. I have learned how to fill my life with love and family and friends and experiences that help me grow into the adult I have always dreamed of being.

My Christmas list is filled with hope for each and every one of you to discover the true meaning of this joyous season: Kindess, giving, love, family, friends, peace and of course thanking God above for all that you have.

Stop for a moment and enjoy it. Dont get caught up in the hussle and bussle of the season's crazy commercialism because, afterall... the greatest gift of all was not bought in Macys or Best Buy, but given freely for all the world to enjoy.

And so my life continues....

Happy Holidays everyone.

It's Raining Men

So after a few months of "swearing off men" I have decided to get back into the dating scene. I dont regret taking the time i did. I needed it more than anything. I really concentrated on making my life better for me - internally. Europe definitely helped me find that spark in my life again and I will never regret taking the chance and spending the money to travel for a month. I spent the entire month reading, writing, learning about different cultures and taking lots of photographs. It was probably one of the best experiences -though scary and difficult at times - of my life!

But now I am home and trying to find ways to interlace this new "europe-stained" me with my "real-world" life. It's a constant work of art, but definitely a task I choose willingly. And now I am emmersing myself in "life"; costume parties; buying flowers for myself; going to Yoga; walking once a week with my very dear friend Michelle; cooking meals now and then (and occasionally inviting friends). Although the stress occasionally comes back, I worry less about the things I can't control and live more of the life I love to live. This doesn't mean i am less responsible. I just put ANOTHER $1000 in my car (after $2000 over the summer) but, hey... it's only money and I have car that works with no monthly payments. I decided it wasnt worth freaking out over. It's a car. It's a credit card. It's money. No one is taking away my ability to love, give, cherish, feel, taste, smell, or experience life. You don't need money to appreciate the simplicity of life. Europe truly taught me that.

So, i really was getting at something other than all this "new life" crap. I had a point and i think the title of my blog pretty much says it all. I have suddenly found myself emmersed in this giddy state of happiness over a wonderful man I recently met. He rocks my world and I dont even know if he knows it. I can't get him out of my system and I truly think the feeling is mutual.

I can't tell you how overwhelming it is to meet a man who values my worth and shows it accordingly. After being dragged through the mud and left for "heartbreak" death, I wasn't sure I would find someone who could appreciate me, respect me, and adore me: mostly because of my "then" poor self-image. It's only been about 3 weeks, but I wonder what miracle has brought this man into my life. Love? I dont know. But there is definitely something there and I truly want to spend all my time with him to get to the bottom of it. I fear the worst and cherish the best, as one should when they are experienced in the art of love and heartbreak. And that, my friends, is one of life's most difficult tasks. Learning to love and give oneself completely knowing the outcome is never certain. "All's fair in love and war", they say. But my elated energy and uplifted soul just doesn't care, because right now, right this second, a wonderful, gentle, kind soul adores me and I plan to soak it up like the sun on a hot summer's day giving all of me in the hopes that my gift will be appreciated.

It's raining

It's raining on my soul
and I've no where to go

It's raining in my eyes
there is no disguise

It's raining in my life
feels like one hard fight

It's raining
It's raining
giving life to new seeds
nurturing new growth
it's what I need
but the pace is so slow

Let the sun shine down
and dry my eyes
fill my heart
and re-new my soul

FREE HUGS

Inspiration at its best.

I walked three miles today

I walked three miles today
And one was for health
In the early evening hours
we, she and I, walked through woods
Both of us carrying extra weight
But mine having no excuse.

I walked three miles today
And one was for friendship
As the sun set through the trees
and over the water
We shared laughs and tears
Setting in motion our continued bond.

I walked three miles today
And one was for lost love
In the dark
angry, bitter, hurting
but no tears came
Fast and furious towards no destination
Until at last a peace I could live with.

I walked three miles today
Hoping for some revelation
And finding what really matters
health,
friendship,
and love,
no matter what shape it takes form.

All my ex's live... two doors down

How is it that I suddenly feel left in the dust of my own endless bullshit?

Being an "ex" puts you on this whole other level, atleast from my standpoint. Its like 10 years never existed. I am not saying I want him back because i dont. But a little f*@# respect would be nice! He has this "seemingly" perfect little life with a new wife and a kid on the way. I want to be happy for him, I really really do. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, for both of us to be happy and he seems to have found it (atleast from my little loft two doors down).

So why do i find this little thing of being happy for him so very difficult? Because he has tossed every ounce of respect for me right out the window. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA. Maybe i hurt him? Maybe because we never fully had proper closure? I'd like to say I hope his new life goes to shit, but I really dont feel that way.

So what am I left with then? Bitterness and anger i seem to carry around on my shoulder because i dont have approval from my ex-husband to be happy? Screw that. Who wants to live a life like that? Not me. So, please, someone give me some advice about letting this go! Please.

Music and Emotions

Have you ever noticed how music can inspire you and enhance emotions buried deep inside? I actually use it to my advantage at times. When i want to be creative and write something inspiring, I listen to classical music. It helps me expand my mind, somehow. If I want to write a heartfelt letter or express my emotions, I listen to country music. If I want to get really deep inside and bring out my most inner feelings, I listen to something like James Taylor or Paul Simon. For some reason they have this amazing ability to express themselves so perfectly.

Tonight, as I write a heart-felt letter to a friend, I am listening to the country station on AOL Radio. Of course right now they arent really playing the most inspiring song. Oh well.