Solid foundations

ive been negligent on my blog again. Two weeks has brought on so many new things! Fevers. colds. head bangs. 5am wake ups. splish splashing in the tub. trips to see Great Grandma. And so much more. But most of all, i love being a mommy. Its the hardest, most tiring, exhausting, draining, mind-boggling job i have ever had. And yet... the most rewarding! Love my little squirt!

I think one of the most important things I would want you to understand is the fact that it's so hard to raise a child without a solid, loving marriage. If there is no strong foundation, the 'building' will come tumbling down. Its so hard to see when you've never been through it. My hope for you is to find someone who fits you... who strengthens you... loves you... pushes you in all the right ways... your daddy is that person for me... He's an awesome man!

firsts....

I've been thinking about the many "firsts" in my life. There are so many and some are hard to remember but the ones you do remember stick out like a sore thumb in your mind. Not to say they are all bad experiences. Perhaps I should have used a different analogy.

First Bike Ride
I remember the first time I road my shiny two-wheel red bike for the first time without training wheels. There was a little handle on the back of my seat that my dad would hold onto and run down the driveway with me until i had a good speed going. The drive ways not paved and not really that flat either, but i managed to stay in a straight line down one tire trail. One day my dad was pushing me on my bike and he just let go... and i road like the wind. I was so proud and I remember my dad calling out to me from behind. I dont remember what he said but I'm pretty sure they were words of encouragement. Eventually, many years later, I would graduate to a 10 speed (still red).

First School Bus Ride
I remember the first time I walked across Main Street in East Moriches to get in the school bus for the first time. I was 5 years old. Most of my memory comes from my mom's recollection of the moment. She remembers my lunch box bursting open all over the street and feeling so bad for me. I've always had a lot of anxiety issues about "starting school" in the fall - whether it was 1st grade or 12th grade - and perhaps the lunch box issue was the cause? I’m not really here to analyze every moment of my life but more so to recollect a series of events leading up until today.

First Teacher
My kindergarten teacher was such a wonderful woman. Mrs. Dickson. Loved her. She was so gentle and loving and lots of fun. It helped that I knew her and her family outside of school which made my transition into the education system even more pleasant than anticipated. My mom talked-it-up so to speak… “you’re going to be in Mrs. Dickson’s class”. I was excited but I’m pretty sure I was nervous too. Probably goes back to the whole lunch box thing. One of the things I remember in Kindergarten is the Easter play we did: Peter Cotton Tail. I cant tell you what I played in the play but I do remember this kid Josh got to play Peter Cottontail and he did a great job. All the parents came into watch the play. It was a highlight and quite memorable because I don’t remember much else about that whole experience.

First Kiss
Ok. So I was pretty young. And so was he. But it was memorable and sweet. He was a neighborhood friend. We hung out together ALL the time: swimming, biking, baseball (I was quite a tom-boy). Then one day… hormones kicked in. It was all quite innocent I assure you but I always wonder where he is in life and if he remembers his neighborhood friends.

First Car
I remember my dad being so excited about my first car. I was getting my license and he wanted this to be a momentus occasion for me, so he had a new radio put into one of his little GMC pick-ups and had my name painted on the outside of the driver side door. It was so cool! I went everywhere in that thing. Loved that car! It was a tight fit with a couple of girlfriends going out for lunch but when you’re the only one with a car, everyone just kinda puts up with it!

First husband
Not too many can claim this... and quite simply - he was a good man - but not for me. I'll always care about him no matter how much of an ass he can be at times.

First House
This is still quite fresh in my mind and in my heart. I was so elated the day my ex and I signed papers to buy our first home. It signified “growing up” and being part of society with responsibilities. I loved my house. It left a lasting impression on me and when my ex and I split up I honestly tried to work out a way to keep it. In the end, selling was the only option and left me quite heart broken to say the least. Every once in a while I drive by that place and sometimes even wished I still lived there. The only saving grace was that a sweet young couple purchased the house and were about to have the baby. I was glad it went to a young family starting out.

And then it comes to this… my first child….

I’m still in shock – 4 months later – and yet it’s as if it was always meant to be. Does that make any sense? It’s been a long road to get to this point.

I cried during the first 2 sonograms and now I am only 3 weeks away from the 3rd where they will tell us if it’s a boy or a girl. The first 2 sonograms were interesting. He/She wouldn’t stop moving around so it was really hard to get a good look. And even during my last visit 2 weeks ago the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat because the baby was moving around so much, so I got a quick glimpse on the sono machine again (just to make sure everything was ok). “You’re baby is moving around so much,” the doctor would say EVERY TIME I went in for a visit.

It’s also close to that time when I will start to feel my little squirt wiggling inside me. I have to say I have been feeling some weird stuff going on and I really do think it’s the baby moving around. I’ll be sitting on the couch or lying in bed and I’ll get a little blip of a bubbly feeling in my belly. I questioned it at first – thinking it was all in my head – but the last few days I really get the feeling it’s something more. And in the last day or so I can really feel the difference between the baby moving and bubbly gas in my tummy. I had always wondered what it would feel like to have a child inside me and now here I am experiencing it first hand.

I’m quite amazed – despite all the horrible side effects I’m going through – with the whole process, the growth, the emotional journey, the preparation and most of all the fact that Rob and I will be parents in just 5 short months. Parents. We’ll be parents. Wow. If I really stopped to think about too much it’s overwhelming…. But in a good way.

daddy

Despite the sickness
Despite the mood swings
Beyond irrationality
And whatever may happen in the next 8 months
Between us a special bond holds strong
a love I have never experienced before
And with the ultimate meshing of our two lives
brings more...
more for you...
more for me..
more for us..
more for our little one...

---

It's like PMS on steroids...i swear! And i'm sure no matter what sex you are, you have some clue as to what I mean. But despite that, my husband, my friend, my lover is an exceptional man and i have no doubts as to his ability to be a wonderful father. He, in no way, fits the cliche and often negative label "my baby's daddy" (thank god). The affection between us is different...changed somehow... but for the better. He looks at me differently. It's hard to explain but it makes me love him more.

He's so excited about this baby. I came home from my weekend with Polly two weeks ago and he started spewing all these wonderful ideas about the nursery... painting.... lighting... etc. He's been reading this book that my friend gave him about "the expecting father" or something like that.

He does EVERYTHING that requires lifting without a second thought. "You will endure many things that I cannot endure with you," is his response when i tell him he's quite the workhorse! And he's constantly helping me make healthy food choices and encouraging me to rest at any given opportunity. He understands the sensitivity of the situation at hand.

Fair (not necessarily equal) partnership is clearly visible in this relationship. There is give and take... 60/40....40/60. But we are both aware of what each of us brings to this relationship and we both appreciate each other immensely. Something I had not felt in the past. This whole experience has strengthened our already strong love, respect, and our affection for one another. And I'm sure we're going to need it in the coming years with the challenges of raising a child together.

Love of my life

I frequently call Christy on the phone randomly throughout the day to chat about life and such. And quite often Lucas, her adorable 2 year old little boy, fights her for the phone... a small, but rather interesting obsession of his. Most of the time my ear is filled with button pushes and incoherent words that only mommy understands. A phone call like that usually leaves me 1. smiling from ear to ear, 2. laughing like crazy, and 3. with the biggest case of baby fever one can imagine.


I often recall the day i held him in my arms when he was born. A day i knew my life would change forever. He's not my child, but he is, in my mind, the next step into adulthood for both me and Christy. It was a sign of "growing up" and how fast life is passing us by.

So it was no surprise that i had a taste of "life passing by" when i called to chat with my friend and "the little man". Lucas - lover of chocolate, cars and emptying drawers - grabbed the phone from his mother and began spewing words I had never heard him say before. Apparently "little man" hadn't reached his word quota for the day. In an instant i was engaged in his world and, as I always do, mention how much I love him.


"Lucas, I love you", in the same tone I always say to him over the phone. My life changed in an instant because his very next response was, "Tasha"! He said my name (which i might add he had never done before, atleast not directly relating to me!). I felt proud and at the same time I melted as a tear came to my eye. I again admitted my love for this little boy on the other end of the phone and to show is gratitude he said "Thank you" in a most polite voice. That's exactly how i felt. "Thank you". Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for loving me back. Thank you for sharing m&ms with me. Thank you for hello smiles and goodbye kisses. Thank you for giggly playtimes on the floor in your room and most of all... thank you for saying my name.