firsts....

I've been thinking about the many "firsts" in my life. There are so many and some are hard to remember but the ones you do remember stick out like a sore thumb in your mind. Not to say they are all bad experiences. Perhaps I should have used a different analogy.

First Bike Ride
I remember the first time I road my shiny two-wheel red bike for the first time without training wheels. There was a little handle on the back of my seat that my dad would hold onto and run down the driveway with me until i had a good speed going. The drive ways not paved and not really that flat either, but i managed to stay in a straight line down one tire trail. One day my dad was pushing me on my bike and he just let go... and i road like the wind. I was so proud and I remember my dad calling out to me from behind. I dont remember what he said but I'm pretty sure they were words of encouragement. Eventually, many years later, I would graduate to a 10 speed (still red).

First School Bus Ride
I remember the first time I walked across Main Street in East Moriches to get in the school bus for the first time. I was 5 years old. Most of my memory comes from my mom's recollection of the moment. She remembers my lunch box bursting open all over the street and feeling so bad for me. I've always had a lot of anxiety issues about "starting school" in the fall - whether it was 1st grade or 12th grade - and perhaps the lunch box issue was the cause? I’m not really here to analyze every moment of my life but more so to recollect a series of events leading up until today.

First Teacher
My kindergarten teacher was such a wonderful woman. Mrs. Dickson. Loved her. She was so gentle and loving and lots of fun. It helped that I knew her and her family outside of school which made my transition into the education system even more pleasant than anticipated. My mom talked-it-up so to speak… “you’re going to be in Mrs. Dickson’s class”. I was excited but I’m pretty sure I was nervous too. Probably goes back to the whole lunch box thing. One of the things I remember in Kindergarten is the Easter play we did: Peter Cotton Tail. I cant tell you what I played in the play but I do remember this kid Josh got to play Peter Cottontail and he did a great job. All the parents came into watch the play. It was a highlight and quite memorable because I don’t remember much else about that whole experience.

First Kiss
Ok. So I was pretty young. And so was he. But it was memorable and sweet. He was a neighborhood friend. We hung out together ALL the time: swimming, biking, baseball (I was quite a tom-boy). Then one day… hormones kicked in. It was all quite innocent I assure you but I always wonder where he is in life and if he remembers his neighborhood friends.

First Car
I remember my dad being so excited about my first car. I was getting my license and he wanted this to be a momentus occasion for me, so he had a new radio put into one of his little GMC pick-ups and had my name painted on the outside of the driver side door. It was so cool! I went everywhere in that thing. Loved that car! It was a tight fit with a couple of girlfriends going out for lunch but when you’re the only one with a car, everyone just kinda puts up with it!

First husband
Not too many can claim this... and quite simply - he was a good man - but not for me. I'll always care about him no matter how much of an ass he can be at times.

First House
This is still quite fresh in my mind and in my heart. I was so elated the day my ex and I signed papers to buy our first home. It signified “growing up” and being part of society with responsibilities. I loved my house. It left a lasting impression on me and when my ex and I split up I honestly tried to work out a way to keep it. In the end, selling was the only option and left me quite heart broken to say the least. Every once in a while I drive by that place and sometimes even wished I still lived there. The only saving grace was that a sweet young couple purchased the house and were about to have the baby. I was glad it went to a young family starting out.

And then it comes to this… my first child….

I’m still in shock – 4 months later – and yet it’s as if it was always meant to be. Does that make any sense? It’s been a long road to get to this point.

I cried during the first 2 sonograms and now I am only 3 weeks away from the 3rd where they will tell us if it’s a boy or a girl. The first 2 sonograms were interesting. He/She wouldn’t stop moving around so it was really hard to get a good look. And even during my last visit 2 weeks ago the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat because the baby was moving around so much, so I got a quick glimpse on the sono machine again (just to make sure everything was ok). “You’re baby is moving around so much,” the doctor would say EVERY TIME I went in for a visit.

It’s also close to that time when I will start to feel my little squirt wiggling inside me. I have to say I have been feeling some weird stuff going on and I really do think it’s the baby moving around. I’ll be sitting on the couch or lying in bed and I’ll get a little blip of a bubbly feeling in my belly. I questioned it at first – thinking it was all in my head – but the last few days I really get the feeling it’s something more. And in the last day or so I can really feel the difference between the baby moving and bubbly gas in my tummy. I had always wondered what it would feel like to have a child inside me and now here I am experiencing it first hand.

I’m quite amazed – despite all the horrible side effects I’m going through – with the whole process, the growth, the emotional journey, the preparation and most of all the fact that Rob and I will be parents in just 5 short months. Parents. We’ll be parents. Wow. If I really stopped to think about too much it’s overwhelming…. But in a good way.