Day 19

Hey all - 19 days and still counting!!

Withdrawal isnt so bad and I even went a couple of days without the patch this week. I eventually put one on this afternoon because i was obsessing about cigarettes. I even had a dream that I took a drag of a cigarette and felt guilty about it. Then I took the pack i bought (in my dreams) and bent each cigarette. It was very liberating...

but overall, its been a bit of a distracting.

huh??

You've got to be kidding me, right? This is what all the fuss is about?

I think she looks great.

Carrie lost her place

I've had Sirius radio since Christmas (thanks Rob) and I couldnt be happier. My taste in music has always relied on variety, so I flick from Sirius Love to the Coffee House to New Country to Blue Collar Comedy (among others) almost daily! It has made a HUGE difference in my state of mind when driving.

With this wonderful little piece of technology, I'm not flicking to avoid endless commercials anymore (dont even get my started on TV commercials - where's the MUTE button?) ...I am actually looking for a song i might enjoy listening to and almost always find it! How about that? It's a bloody miracle! It took me about 3 months to realize I could put artists into a Favorites List and have the radio alert me when one of their songs are on. (I dont read directions sometimes.... its one of small downfalls.) Anyway, this is one of THE greatest features EVER...until now...

Ms. Carrie Underwood - beautiful, talented, sweet, young vocalist - made her way to my "Favorites List" a few months ago after she won my heart on American Idol. She's got a strong, controlled voice behind a sweet, innocent face. I loved her rendition of Independence Day. But about 3 weeks ago she released a song called "Before He Cheats". Great song. Fun. Interesting. Thought provoking. You name it. And the first few times I heard it, I willingly switched to the highlighted station and sang along.

But like most new releases, Carrie's new song was continually played... over ...and over... and over again.... killed... beaten to death.... This is the case with ANY successful new song because each jockey feels the need to play it atleast twice before they leave the studio at the end of their shift. Usually, after a couple of weeks, the endless repetition dies down and they go back to playing all the songs from the new artist. Is it just me or am I the only one who loses her mind when this sort of thing goes on? UGH!

Well...for some reason... it hasnt died down. And today... like a teenager choosing a new best friend .... Miss Carrie has lost her place on my Favorites List.

Out-of-Body Experience

Well. I've made it 12 days and I can tell you right now, STAY AWAY!! I am so unbelievably cranky and tired. I just dont know what to do with myself. The littlest things set me off and even if they arent little, , in the past, i had been able to manage my anger or frustration with patience and cool-down time. Now i just let it all out. Well most of it anyway. I'm pretty sure i could isolate myself completely from everyone i know if I let it ALL out. I'm sure that's true for anyone. :)

The mental addiction isnt nearly as bad as the physical addiction, at this point, which has taken its toll on me. I know I'll get through, but not without a few rough roads. I can't imagine what it must be like to give up anything harder than an ultra light cigarette a few times a day. I can see why people return to their addiction - willingly or unwillingly - when stress arises or when their mental state isn't stable. Lucky for me, I began this charade with a level head. It wasn't connected to some major crisis or part of a crusade to save myself from .... myself. I knew what i was doing. I knew i could be strong. I had this strange switch in my head. "Grow up and move on" the voice said.... And so.. here i am.

Rob's been wonderful through it all. These days, my life carries on, with him at my side, so he takes the brunt of my shortcomings. He knows I am trying hard and has really tried to be supportive the best way he knows how. He ignores my occasional nasty comment or two. And later on when i appologize for my "out-of-body" experience, he just smiles at me and touches my face or gives me a hug. "It's ok". What have I done to deserve this man? Yes, he can drive me crazy at times, but i guess it's part of the package....and the good out weighs the bad any day of the week!

Day 7

Still going strong. I finally told my girlfriend, Christy, on Saturday night. She was so excited. Not much else to write about. Just going about my life.

Day 3 and Smoke Free

Well here it is ...Day 3. Still standing.


I bought the wrong nicotine patches (step 3 and instead of step 2) which, in case none of you really know how it works, step 2 has more nicotine in the patch. I was supposed to start on Step 2 and then after 2 weeks go to Step 3. I was going to go back and get the right ones, but then I flashed back to the last time i tried to quit. I bought Step 2 and felt GREAT. Everything was going well ... so well infact that I thought i could go without the patch. WRONG. That's when a series of events occurred which paralyzed me emotionally and of course, i turned humbly back to my addiction. That was about 16 months ago and since then my life has taken a turn for the better.

With Step 3, I am definitely aware of the fact that I am having withdrawal symptoms but decided that it was a good thing. Lot's of little things aggrevate me and when my computer starts to tick me off, I really crave a long drag....or two. Then again, it could be PMS! HA! I am able to briefly sit with other smokers in a non-drinking environment without going completely out of my mind. That's a big boost for me! Overall, it's not so bad that i can't resist temptation, but it's definitely there to remind me that this is going to be a long hard road and that i am doing it for ME.

I haven't told my friend Christy yet (actually i havent really told too many people). As a former smoker, she gives me the most hell about my habit. I was thinking about keeping it a secret and telling her on her birthday, July 19th. I'll be 10 days smoke-free by then. Of course, if she decides to look at my blog then my surprise won't be as effective, but i know she'll be happy just the same.

Just to give you a little background, I started smoking more than 10 years ago and have kept the habit going on and off since then. I had tried to quite several times, obviously with no success. Most of the time I was quitting because someone in my life was begging me to give it up. Big mistake. So I knew this time I had to do it for me and me alone. I was grateful and fortunate to have found a man who understood that process and never once pressured me to quit. That's not to say he didn't want me to quit, because he did. He even gave me hell on occasion and NEVER accompanied me to the breezeway or other "smoking" areas to futher promote my bad habit. This... my friends.. is why I love this man. Well, one of the many reasons anyway.

Do i miss it? YES! But I keep reminding myself how bad it is and how it could really affect me getting pregnant in the future (reason numero uno on my list). I'm not getting any younger people! And some of you may laugh... 31 years old and she thinks she's old. It's not that i think I am old... I just worry that one day I will wake up and actually BE old, regreting many things in my life; Smoking being one of them.

Give me nicotine or give me death

It's time.

Nicotine patch applied.

Last cigarette: July 9, 2007 at 8am.


Here's some stuff i am rummaging through as my knee shakes violently below my desk.


*Approximately 80% of those unable to quit smoking are suffering from America’s most common illness - depression.

I found this to be a very interesting statistic and quite possibly the biggest reason i have so often failed in the past. I have been dealing with Depression on and off for several years, but lately life seems good...even with the rough patches.

*The health benefits of quitting a 1 pack per day habit is equivalent to a 75 pound weight loss by an obese individual - a 4-10 pound weight gain is a fair trade.

I think i can handle that! It kinda sucks, but i know i will feel SO much better in the long run.


*most smokers need to modify their lifestyle to reduce the risk of smoking again, especially avoiding locations and activities strongly associated with smoking - such as eating breakfast on the porch instead of the dining table, or going to restaurants where there is no memory of smoking and eating together.

This may be the hardest of them all. I frequently sit on the breezeway, which also happens to be the only place in the house i was able to smoke.


*Learning to be positive and happy can make a difference.

I'm actually pretty excited overall... but i know the first few weeks are going to be so hard! LUckily I have great friends will get me through it day by day.. minute by minute.

Star Struck

We were walking through the garden center at Home Depot not far from our home in Sayville when suddenly a face appeared before me. I face i know well. I often wondered if I would ever run into him. I knew he lived in my town but its not exactly a town where everyone knows everyone. I wondered if he was as nice and down to earth as he was seen many months ago....

Tom from Sayville. New York City Firefighter, Father, Husband.... Winner of 1 million dollars on Survivor Palau.

He was about to walk by me with his two kids when i opened my mouth.

Me: I know you.

Tom: Hi. How are you? (reaching out his hand and giving a firm hand shake)

Me: Rob this is the guy from Surivor.

Tom reached out his hand and shook Rob's hand.

Tom: Hi. [my name is] Tom. Nice to meet you. What's going on?

Me: Not much. It's an honor to meet you.
(i was a bit star struck and blubbering through my words).

Tom: Thank you. Well have a great day.

Me: Thanks. And congratulations!


Now people... i know some of you will be like.. "duh...just some guy from Survivor". But come on... we all get star struck now and then.... And he's not exactly bad looking.

chance encounters

I was on a high already that day when I walked into the coffee house around 8pm. Rob took me kayaking for the very first time (loved it by the way)in the morning and in the afternoon we decided it was warm enough to take a swim at my parent's house in Westhampton. Along the way, we made a pit stop at Grandpa and Grandma's house to check up on them and do my grand-daughterly duty. Poor Gramps was exhausted. They had just returned from Maryland where some of our family now resides. Somehow (by some miracle) I convinced Grandma to come with us to my parent's house for a swim (and give Grandpa some much needed R & R).

What an afternoon it turned out to be. Grandma had a blast in the pool. She doesn't swim very well and she'd probably tell you how her father tried to teach her to swim by throwing her into a muddy river somewhere in the back country of Argentina. She was unsuccessful in her traumatic lesson but managed to survive after swallowing a lot of dirt.

She was very nervous at first but a stop at the store for some floating noodles alleviated some of the stress, not to mention the pool was only 4 feet deep. Rob and I wrapped the noodles around her and she was able to bob along in the pool on her own. It was a great confidence booster for her and seeing the smile on her face and hearing her laugh was a GREAT high for me.

I had a bartending job that evening, so Rob dropped me off in Westhampton at a private party and proceeded to take Grandma home after our watery adventure. When Rob returned to pick me up three hours later, I learned that Grandpa had taken them all out to dinner. A repayment of sorts for giving him some quiet time alone. Grandpa wanted to wait until I got off work, but the day was already pre-planned. We proceeded to the coffee house and upon entry through the door, a woman stepped in front of me.

Are you Natasha?

yes.

I'm Jean Marie. From the blog.


It was pretty cool that she recognized me from my picture and even cooler that she said hello because i had no idea what she looked like at all. What's even crazier is that she knows my grandfather AND while i was living in the Riverhead area, we were neighbors...VERY close neighbors!! I had no idea!

It was a perfect ending to a wonderful day....