Good Ol' Gramma

Here's the one i have been working on about my Grandmother.

My grandmother has Dementia.

This is a statement I repeat a lot, mostly inside my head.

She's pretty far along in the progression of the disease but still able to function somewhat with guidance from Grandpa and my Aunt. She can do laundry, garden, make her bed, and even make a mean cup of joe, but most of the time forgets what she is doing on her way to the kitchen or the garden or the bedroom. Once in a while I start to really think about the big picture and it's sad to think the Grandma i grew up with is slowly fading away.

My Grandma has always been a very big part of my life. Because we lived so close, as a child I was privileged to spend countless hours with her riding bikes, hiking, baking, swinging on the swingset at the Church down the road and many other timeless memories I hold close to my heart- even fishing, although I am willing to bet that was more Grandpa's idea than hers. She had this way about her. She was strong and tough with a soft, warm interior; soft enough to snuggle when a little girl felt sad or scared. Even today, there's nothing like a smile, kiss and warm hug from Grandma.

But the good comes with the bad and this disease has more than one victim. My Grandmother, though she must endure this for the duration of her days, is not the only one who lives in this twisted reality. All those who love her must push through the thick brush and toss aside the trees and limbs heavily weighted with guilt, loss, sorrow and frustration. It's a journey everyone in my family must travel whether they choose to or not. It's like a lengthy mourning process with hints of Grandma's soul floating through the air.

These days, I still enjoy her company. Her constant repetitive questioning and wandering doesn't phase me one bit. And believe me.... she is quite repetitive. In fact, contrary to popular belief, her company can be quite refreshing. Her ability to state the obvious in any situation is impeccable - and funny. She sees things so uniquely. Her mind has become simple and her view on the world is almost the same as a child - like she is experiencing things for the first, second or third time. Yet she has lived a lifetime and experienced the ways of the world.

Interestingly though, her senses work overtime. She hears, sees, smells, and tastes things in a whole different light. Her undying love of chocolate has exponentially increased and conjures up quite a giggle when offered to her. She can hear bits and pieces of conversations across the room and become quite aggitated that people are speaking too loud. And just like a child, she will point out airplanes flying high above in the sky - something most of us just don't pay attention too anymore.

Intriguing to say the least. And at times, amusing.

Two weeks ago my Grandfather was admitted to the hospital. He's fine, but in the mean time someone (or many someone's) must care for my grandmother. I have volunteered my duties to help in this time of need. So two nights out of the four she was going to be alone, I stayed with her - kinda like a sleep over ...the way i did when I was a little girl

And I only remember one thing and will remember it for the rest of my life. I was lying in bed next to her and she reached out in the dark to hold my hand.

"I love having you here, but i miss your grandfather," she said.

"I love you, Grandma," and squeezed her hand.

I refrained from speaking further because i didnt want her to hear the cracking in my voice as tears streamed down my face. My tears were bittersweet because even as her memory continues to fail, one thing is strong in her mind, heart and soul - she knows she loves the man she married 57 years ago and wants him by her side each night until her dying breath.