"Look Grandma. Look," showing off my new piece of sparkle hugging my left ring-finger.
"Wow, how pretty".
But her eyes told a different story. The significance of this gift from Rob to me was lost somewhere in her brain...the connection wasnt made. She had no idea that it was an engagement ring.
To her it was no more than a "christmas" or "birthday" gift from Rob because, you see, to her, we are already married.
Several months ago we stopped by for dinner. The evening was enjoyable. Grandma was a load of laughs. And even Grandpa had a few good laughs, told a few good stories and overall enjoyed the company of his grandchildren.
As we packed up to leave....
"Grandma, could you help Rob carry this out to the car?".
I eyed Rob and he understood. I wanted to talk to Grandpa alone for a moment.. about Grandma.
"Sure".
---
After a few moments, Grandpa and I joined them out near the car. Grandma wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big warm hug --- at least some things dont change!
We said our goodbyes and drove away.
"You're Grandma is funny."
"yeah, isnt she? I mean most of it is the disease, but she can be entertaining at times".
"She gave me a big hug"
Rob had only met her a handful of times. We weren't even living together at that time.
"arent they the greatest hugs ever?"
"Well, she said to me 'I'm so glad you married my Tashie'".
"no way!"
We had a good laugh about it and, secretly, i was glad to know I had Grandma's approval. So when the moment actually happened.. when Rob asked me for my hand.. it broke my heart that she couldn't share the enjoyment of my engagement with me...that she had no idea of the scope of my life up to this point...that she probably doesn't even remember my ex-husband (who was in my life for 10+ years)...what I had gone through in the last two years... and how much i have turned my life around.
On the outside I may appear to be "clinical and open-minded" about Grandma's disease...that even though she is slowly losing her mind there was still a way for her to enjoy her life in "her" reality....whatever or wherever that may be...
But I am still deeply saddened knowing that if she lives long enough, she will never fully appreciate the significance of holding my child in her arms.
And i believe at that point, i will finally break down and cry for the woman who used to be my Grandma.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
she has no idea
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4 comments:
I had a Grandma Nancy, she was in her mid-90s when she died. I guess I was named after her. We weren't estranged because we never fought, but then again we weren't in touch either. I loved her, and she loved me. We sometimes were in touch, through letters. I owe a lot to her for the correspondence she kept with me throughout my growing up years. She wrote me a couple of times when I was expecting, including how much she loved me even if, she said, she was not good about keeping in touch. I know what you mean about the grandmas and the babies.
I went through that with my paternal Grandma. She lived with us for a while, so I could take care of her, but, with 2 little ones at the time, it just became to be too much. She would wander off and get lost, all kinds of things. I finally had to give in to the rest of the family's wishes about her placement, when she, mentally, just wasn't her any more. For her last years, she had no idea who I was. I would always have to introduce myself, and she thought I was just some nice lady who visited. Her reality ended about 1955, before my parents had even met.
Enjoy every moment you have with her, while you still can.
And...on a cheerier note, I love the new look of your blog!!!
Thanks Jean Marie. It needed a facelift! I'm the kind of person who likes to move furniture around every few months just for a fresh look and feel! LOL.
As for Grams... its getting harder and harder to look at her and see the woman i knew growing up.
yeah. I know.
sigh
I want to do everything right to prevent it from happening to me one day...eat all the right stuff, and all that. Can you imagine what it's like inside her head? I used to think about my Grandma...how scary is it to think it's 1955 and not recognize anybody, to be in a strange place, the whole town looks different, all your friends/spouse gone, and this crazy woman keeps trying to tell you she's your granddaughter...your sons aren't even old enough to get married yet!
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