bitter sweet

So looking forward to a weekend of fun with cousins, aunts, uncles...everyone together again for a reunion. And as much as I love to remember Grandma and Grandpa,I am sort of dreading the memorial service for Grandma that weekend. I still cry all the time and i miss them terribly.

Every week i drop my son off at my Aunt's house, not too far from my grandparent's former residence. And every week I think about "stopping in to say hi" and then remember they are not there. It's been harder than I thought saying goodbye to them. They have been a HUGE part of my life.

I guess im just not ready to deal with it....

in my mind

In my mind...

the big red "boat" of a car is still sitting under the overhang.

they are both lounging in the greenhouse with the little space ray heater going and sipping mate.

there's a lingering smell of garlic in the air of their livingroom.

she's loading and unloading the washing machine....

he's creating some concoction in the kitchen with spinach and eggs and leftovers from the night before.

she's pushing the mower fast and hard across the lawn.

he's elbow deep in grease fixing a tractor.

she's clipping lettuce from the garden for a salad for lunch.

he's lounging in his blue chair with the TV blaring... usually boxing or futbol or CNN.

she's sweeping the driveway.... there's always so many leaves!!!

he's listening to a monetone voiced pastor preach the gospel on some old cassett tape.

she's vaccuming, banging into every piece of furniture in her way.

he's putzing on his computer and calling me for how-to advice.

she's bent over in half weeding her gardens.

he's lighting the BBQ at 9am for an afternoon BBQ with his family.

she's feeding the cats... for the 5th time today.

missing her

I was sitting in a meeting with a nice woman at work. She asked about my son and so i whipped out my iphone to show her a picture of Robie from Thanksgiving time. She complimented him on that cute blue sweater.

I broke down in tears.

Grandma made that sweater for my friend's little boy 5 years ago.

I miss her so much.

mommy log - June 27th

found you on your belly in your crib the other morning. Shocked me a little but i was so proud. I did however leave you that way for a little while to see if you could roll back. Not yet i guess.

Aunt Christy also gave us her exersaucer. You seem to like it and your ability to maneuver around in it surprises us. You seem to LOVE peaches but only when daddy feeds them to you LOL. Go figure. Tomorrow starts apple. Then in a few days, pear. I love making baby food for you, but i dont love the big fat burn i have on my arm from doing it! ::: sigh ::: The pains of loving your child!


We also went to visit your great-grandma today and finally had a pleasant hour or so with her before she started getting anxious. She kissed your cheek, your feet, and your hands several times. She LOVED seeing you smile and laugh. And i was thankful for the exchange between all three of us after a few not so great visits.


I miss grandma... i miss the woman she used to be. I miss our walks... our bread baking... our chats about "my happiness". "Are you happy?", she always asked. It was always her sincerest desire for her children and grandchildren to be happy.

sigh

The last week or so has been a whirlwind around here.

A few months ago I volunteered to organize our 60 person family reunion. Not much to it really... I just needed to maintain communications with my family and deligate food items etc to each of them. It was relatively easy on my end, at least up until the week before, but stress free for the most part.

We had 8 family member staying at our house from Thursday through Monday morning. The count included 4 teenage boys, a 6 year old girl and 3 adults. It was quite a houseload but again, relatively stress free. They were self-sufficient and very helpful around the house. The boys were quiet and the 6 year old was well behaved.

I also spent several hours in the kitchen on Friday afternoon making a wonderful Argentinian treat called empanadas. My dad used to make them with my great grandmother and a few years ago he taught me how to make them so i can pass it down to my kids (something i definitely plan on doing). So now I drag my dad out on Christmas Eve or the day before Christmas Eve to spend the day cooking. It's great bonding time with him...and I treasure every moment. Its so awesome to see the joy on his face and hear all the stories about my Great Grandma.

In case you're wondering....empanadas are like a meat pie filled with chopped meat, onions, boiled egg, cayan pepper, garlic and other spices. Rob and I have been adjusting the recipe and experimenting the last few times we made them...so the new secret ingredient is pimentos.

SEVERAL hours... i slaved in the heat of the kitchen on Friday. When Rob got home from work he took over so i could lay down for a bit. In the end... we made about 70-80 empanadas (including 20 turkey empanadas for my sister in-law who doesnt eat red meat). Wouldn't you know... EVERY SINGLE one of them was eaten at the reunion!!!

I love making them but I only really do it twice a year extensively. Once at our annual family reunion and the other during Christmas. They remind me of my Great Grandmother who died when i was about 10-11 years old. I didnt get a chance to know her too well (mostly because she only spoke Spanish - and i didnt!), but she was a fabulous cook and she was always giving her great grandchildren gifts "to remember her by".

The reunion went really well. Even Grandma, in her constant state of confusion, did really well. We stuck her a quiet part of the yard with some of the older folks and most people know she requires a peaceful environment to maintain a happy disposition. And considering the fact that this will probably be my Grandfather's last reunion (he has cancer), spirits were relatively high and jovial.

And as most fun parties go...we had way too much food and way too little time.

Our house is quiet again.... and although it was a great weekend spending time with family, we're glad to have our home back...

to be or not to be

I was so busy last week, I had no time to sit and write, although my heart desired it so. I'm still taking Grandma for 1 afternoon a week and last week was particularly difficult. She was in rare form, asking the same question over and over again.

How did i get here? (my house)

I brought you grandma.

Oh ok. Grandpa knows im here?

Yes. I spoke with him.

Well, what is he doing?

He's taking a nap. He doesnt feel well. (Grandpa has cancer).

Oh ok. And how am i getting home?

I'm going to take you to Lilly's (my aunt) for dinner and Grandpa will be there waiting for you.

Oh ok... what time?

...........

This was an on-going cycle we took every 5 minutes for about 5 hours. I couldn't get her to sit still for anything so after making cupcakes, bread, sweeping the whole downstairs (including the porch), folding 3 loads of laundry, and making a marinade for the chicken i was cooking later..... I finally gave up and let her putz around the house while I sat for a few minutes. I couldn't keep up with her.

My dad came to my rescue. He showed up just as she was settling on the couch watching "A Baby Story" on TV with me. We were enjoying the videos of small babies popping up on the screen.

Rob and I have been trying for about 3 months now with the help of some really awesome medications from the doctor. We've been patient and we know this sort of thing takes time. And despite her her ability to retain anything anyone says these days, I still enjoy engaging her in my hopes and dreams; one of them being my desire to have a child.


Grandma, Im trying to ger pregnant.

Really? How old are you?

Im 32.

Oh you're too old to have babies now.
(coming from a woman who had 4 kids before she was 30).

I knew that was coming actually, but it's always funny to hear her say it and see the expressions on her face.

That was Thursday at around 4:30pm.


.................


What i didnt know was that 10 hours later my life would change forever. I woke around 2:30am, as I do most nights, to go to the bathroom. It's pretty par for me. I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was due on Monday and I told myself I would wait til Friday morning to test. I thought this day would never arrive. I had waves nausea all week. And the heartburn...omg. But I convinced myself it was all in my head and I knew that the medication made my PMS worse than had been in the past, including feeling sick to my stomach.

I wasn't pregnant... i couldnt be....

or so I thought.

I sat there (on the toilet) staring at the little white stick in my hand, when all of a sudden two lines began to show. I blinked.

Was I dreaming? Was I seeing things?

UM HOLY @#$%#@$!!!

GUESS WHAT??????????????

Grandma visits her Grandaughter

I took Grandma to Connecticut yesterday to visit one of her grandaughter's (my cousin) Karen. We had a really nice day. It was challenging at times for Karen and me because Grandma repeated herself throughout the day. She also forgot where she was and who Karen was atleast once during the day, but Karen handled it well.