to be or not to be

I was so busy last week, I had no time to sit and write, although my heart desired it so. I'm still taking Grandma for 1 afternoon a week and last week was particularly difficult. She was in rare form, asking the same question over and over again.

How did i get here? (my house)

I brought you grandma.

Oh ok. Grandpa knows im here?

Yes. I spoke with him.

Well, what is he doing?

He's taking a nap. He doesnt feel well. (Grandpa has cancer).

Oh ok. And how am i getting home?

I'm going to take you to Lilly's (my aunt) for dinner and Grandpa will be there waiting for you.

Oh ok... what time?

...........

This was an on-going cycle we took every 5 minutes for about 5 hours. I couldn't get her to sit still for anything so after making cupcakes, bread, sweeping the whole downstairs (including the porch), folding 3 loads of laundry, and making a marinade for the chicken i was cooking later..... I finally gave up and let her putz around the house while I sat for a few minutes. I couldn't keep up with her.

My dad came to my rescue. He showed up just as she was settling on the couch watching "A Baby Story" on TV with me. We were enjoying the videos of small babies popping up on the screen.

Rob and I have been trying for about 3 months now with the help of some really awesome medications from the doctor. We've been patient and we know this sort of thing takes time. And despite her her ability to retain anything anyone says these days, I still enjoy engaging her in my hopes and dreams; one of them being my desire to have a child.


Grandma, Im trying to ger pregnant.

Really? How old are you?

Im 32.

Oh you're too old to have babies now.
(coming from a woman who had 4 kids before she was 30).

I knew that was coming actually, but it's always funny to hear her say it and see the expressions on her face.

That was Thursday at around 4:30pm.


.................


What i didnt know was that 10 hours later my life would change forever. I woke around 2:30am, as I do most nights, to go to the bathroom. It's pretty par for me. I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was due on Monday and I told myself I would wait til Friday morning to test. I thought this day would never arrive. I had waves nausea all week. And the heartburn...omg. But I convinced myself it was all in my head and I knew that the medication made my PMS worse than had been in the past, including feeling sick to my stomach.

I wasn't pregnant... i couldnt be....

or so I thought.

I sat there (on the toilet) staring at the little white stick in my hand, when all of a sudden two lines began to show. I blinked.

Was I dreaming? Was I seeing things?

UM HOLY @#$%#@$!!!

GUESS WHAT??????????????