bitter sweet

So looking forward to a weekend of fun with cousins, aunts, uncles...everyone together again for a reunion. And as much as I love to remember Grandma and Grandpa,I am sort of dreading the memorial service for Grandma that weekend. I still cry all the time and i miss them terribly.

Every week i drop my son off at my Aunt's house, not too far from my grandparent's former residence. And every week I think about "stopping in to say hi" and then remember they are not there. It's been harder than I thought saying goodbye to them. They have been a HUGE part of my life.

I guess im just not ready to deal with it....

in my mind

In my mind...

the big red "boat" of a car is still sitting under the overhang.

they are both lounging in the greenhouse with the little space ray heater going and sipping mate.

there's a lingering smell of garlic in the air of their livingroom.

she's loading and unloading the washing machine....

he's creating some concoction in the kitchen with spinach and eggs and leftovers from the night before.

she's pushing the mower fast and hard across the lawn.

he's elbow deep in grease fixing a tractor.

she's clipping lettuce from the garden for a salad for lunch.

he's lounging in his blue chair with the TV blaring... usually boxing or futbol or CNN.

she's sweeping the driveway.... there's always so many leaves!!!

he's listening to a monetone voiced pastor preach the gospel on some old cassett tape.

she's vaccuming, banging into every piece of furniture in her way.

he's putzing on his computer and calling me for how-to advice.

she's bent over in half weeding her gardens.

he's lighting the BBQ at 9am for an afternoon BBQ with his family.

she's feeding the cats... for the 5th time today.

missing her

I was sitting in a meeting with a nice woman at work. She asked about my son and so i whipped out my iphone to show her a picture of Robie from Thanksgiving time. She complimented him on that cute blue sweater.

I broke down in tears.

Grandma made that sweater for my friend's little boy 5 years ago.

I miss her so much.

Recipe for Living

With the holidays approaching, it makes me think of my grandfather, God rest his soul. He LOVED to cook. To him, every day was Thanksgiving or Christmas or Fourth of July and any excuse he could use to fire up the grill or put a pot of water to boil, he certainly did just that!

It was fairly standard practice – and often in unison – when you walked through the door at my grandparent’s house your greeting would include “are you hungry? Did you eat?” He was always conjuring up some new recipe for eggs or fresh pasta sauce or frying up his latest catch from the bay, yet the aromas that emanated from their kitchen had a familiar and comforting place in my nose. He was famous for his pesto sauce and had quite a talent for BBQ chicken and sausage. It wasn’t uncommon for him to light up the grills at 9am and slow cook the chicken all day. My grandmother would run circles around him prepping all the basics; picking veggies from their ridiculously large veggie garden, chopping them into the desired diced pieces, peeling onions and potatoes, grabbing the flour, the sugar, the salt… and of course cleaning up the mess he left behind in a whirlwind of creativity.

But even stronger than his love for cooking was his desire to be surrounded by family and friends; food, although an important part, in essence, was just a backdrop. The old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” was basic recipe for living in my grandparent’s house, only he was the one cooking and winning the hearts of all who walked through his door.

It wasn’t uncommon for him to make friends with strangers and of course, do what he did best, preach the gospel and prepare a feast for the king of all kings! My grandfather knew more people around the world than I can ever imagine. I’m pretty sure somewhere out there is a man (or many men and women) telling the story of “this one time when I visited Center Moriches I met a man named Martin…” This was how he shared himself with the world and in doing so, he has left a legacy of himself, through food.

So this holiday season, and every single one to come, I vow to make an unforgettable aromatic memories for my son so that my legacy (and my grandfather’s) will be passed on to generations after me. And most of all, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful to have that opportunity.

rough day...

she's on my mind today and always in my heart.

Solid foundations

ive been negligent on my blog again. Two weeks has brought on so many new things! Fevers. colds. head bangs. 5am wake ups. splish splashing in the tub. trips to see Great Grandma. And so much more. But most of all, i love being a mommy. Its the hardest, most tiring, exhausting, draining, mind-boggling job i have ever had. And yet... the most rewarding! Love my little squirt!

I think one of the most important things I would want you to understand is the fact that it's so hard to raise a child without a solid, loving marriage. If there is no strong foundation, the 'building' will come tumbling down. Its so hard to see when you've never been through it. My hope for you is to find someone who fits you... who strengthens you... loves you... pushes you in all the right ways... your daddy is that person for me... He's an awesome man!

sleeping techniques

growing up

Last night was the second night my little boy slept in his own room down the hall. We all did really well. I only got up to check on him one time the first night and not at all the second. He sleeps 8 hours on the dot every night now. What a relief not to have to get up 1-2-3-4 times a night...

He's also starting to sit up with just a little help. He tends to fall sideways when you let him go for more than a second or two. Its pretty funny to watch. The transformations go goes through on a daily basis is utterly amazing.

He's quite the little giggler. LOVES Chase, our dog and Chase loves him back! He loves to be outdoors. Loves camping. We went camping two weeks ago up in the catskills. He slept through both nights without even batting an eye. We're going camping again in about 3 weeks.

Time is flying by and i'm loving every second of it...

meeting blogger friends

I had such a nice time meeting one of my blogger friends tonight. She asked me to do some photographs of her kids. Here's one of my favorites. Of course, she said i couldnt show up without the baby! LOL. Both the baby and daddy came along for the ride!

just like her

the strangest thing crossed my mind several times this weekend. As you may know, my grandmother has alzheimers. There's not much left of "her" anymore... just a shell with occasional glimpses of who she was. It's very hard to watch her slowly drift away, particularly for someone who has given herself so unselfishly all her life.

There were several instances this weekend where i thought "gee ..that's just like grandma..." or "grandma used to always do that". The funny part was... i was the one doing those things... things we always thought were very typical of her...and very humormous...

like....

...bending over and weeding in the garden all day long... even though her back hurt. She just impulsively couldnt stop til the job was done...

Rob yelled at me on Saturday morning because i kept complaining about my back and yet... i still kept going...and going...and going... "you just cant stop can you?" he said.

...or how about when i stuck my fingers in a pot of hot water to grab a piece of corn. I recall laughing at her as a child when she did this... and of course, i laughed at myself when i reached in the hot water and did the same thing the other night.

...or how about mowing the lawn. Grandma was notorious for pushing the little mower around her big backyard while grandpa sat upon his ride-on tractor(his throne). She claimed it was good exercise...and it is! After eating tons of crap this weekend and various BBQs etc, I told Rob i really needed to go for a walk last night. He said "how about mowing the lawn instead"!

So there was...pushing the little red push mower (that grandpa bought for us as a wedding present by the way)thinking how "grandma" this whole scene was. The old man from across the street watched in aw as I pushed pushed pushed...

I pushed until rob came outside with a big smile on his face.

"Come watch this".

My son had reached a milestone in his life... he rolled from his belly to his back. We were so excited for him! He's one step closer to his independence. You can see the determination in his eye when he wants to grab something. He's very "grandma" that way...

This thought made me smile as i finished pushing the mower around the lawn with determination and pride in my step... just like grandma.

mommy log - June 27th

found you on your belly in your crib the other morning. Shocked me a little but i was so proud. I did however leave you that way for a little while to see if you could roll back. Not yet i guess.

Aunt Christy also gave us her exersaucer. You seem to like it and your ability to maneuver around in it surprises us. You seem to LOVE peaches but only when daddy feeds them to you LOL. Go figure. Tomorrow starts apple. Then in a few days, pear. I love making baby food for you, but i dont love the big fat burn i have on my arm from doing it! ::: sigh ::: The pains of loving your child!


We also went to visit your great-grandma today and finally had a pleasant hour or so with her before she started getting anxious. She kissed your cheek, your feet, and your hands several times. She LOVED seeing you smile and laugh. And i was thankful for the exchange between all three of us after a few not so great visits.


I miss grandma... i miss the woman she used to be. I miss our walks... our bread baking... our chats about "my happiness". "Are you happy?", she always asked. It was always her sincerest desire for her children and grandchildren to be happy.

honoring a life - remembering when....

Said goodbye to your great grandpa last night. It was bittersweet. He was ready to go to heaven, but he will be missed. I have so many stories to tell you about him. So many funny, amazing, and literally unbelieveable stories to tell you...

Your uncle mike and cousin chris said some beautiful words about him. Here's a piece of my brother's speech, which by the way, was amazing.

My grandfather, Martin Beccaria, was unique, complex, elegant, and beautiful. He was a strong father, a devoted husband, a loving grandfather. It is an honor to be here to celebrate and remember the life of a man who touched so many lives of those around him...even, as I've recently heard, the bank teller at his local bank who cried when she heard the news of his passing.

I was thinking for a long time about how to describe my grandfather to people who may not have known him without spouting out a bunch of adjectives, each losing meaning as you make the list longer and harder to appreciate.

I finally settled on three which I think pull out all of the "stuff" that is grandpa, both good and bad, light and dark, easy and hard and mix them all into one. When I think of Grandpa, I think of Family, Food, and God.

Family, Food, and God.

I think about my cousins and the times we spend in grandpa's back yard doing dangerous things with tractors and fire, those memories in the treehouse made by my uncles, or climbing the apple tree, remnant of which are still there today. I learned to tie my shoelaces behind my grandfather's house. All of us cousins have wonderful memories in that back yard.

Memories of sausages and bread plates passed around, sometimes with a gourd, bombilla and thermos not far behind. And the smell of grandpas house and the heartfelt hugs grandma would give, where you could just feel the love fill you up inside. When I was about 8 or so, grandma would give me these bear hugs and crush the side of my head right into her boobs, practically suffocating me. I'm not sure, but I think we all experienced this around that age, or shall I say height. I wasn't sure whether to be traumatized or thankful for the hug. We all have our smell...grandpas house smelled unique to me. Sweet and salty...perhaps like fried garlic and onions. And sometimes aqua velva, a smell I will always associate with him.

Some of the best memories I have with my cousins are us sitting around telling stories of our grandfather in our youth...there were so many of them.

This past week my cousins had a facebook email exchange where we where sharing old memories with one another. As you hear some of these, I remind you to think of my crazy and amazing grandfather. Perhaps you will also be reminded of family, food,and God:
Natasha:
• I remember a few of us wanted to sell lemonade in front of his house on main street and of course Grandpa wanted to teach his grandchildren good business sense... so he charged us for the lemonade, the water and a rental fee to use his lawn! LOL.
Karen:
• He was the best Grandpa there ever was. I remember early morning Saturday pancake breakfasts with his church friends (Helen & Austin Dawson), attending Word of Life conventions with my cousins, unsafely riding on the tractor with him at 176 Main Street and ALL of us cousins "ridin' the blade" (we have photos of this!!!) I remember all of his unconditional love and support my WHOLE life. He bought me my first Smith Corona "word processing typewriter." I especially remember him shipping me frozen pesto pasta during my 4 years at Cortland. I couldn't wait for that UPS truck to get there.

Daniel wrote:
• I remember his love of his CH-evy caprice classic "now thats a car sonny" ....
I also remember trying to make a fire with mikey and chris and phil when we were YOUNG we couldn't have been 10 years old. Grandpa walked out and decided to show us how to make a real fire..... paint cans and gasoline!!!! the ground was scorched for years after that....

Christopher Penney:
• i remember grandpa and i spent half a day sitting in those cheap white plastic chairs on his back patio... shooting bumble bees with a shotgun. not kidding.
• i remember grandpa brought home a purple (for real, Purple) isuzu hombre pickup to surprise grandma. she hated it so much that he sold it a short while later.

Melissa Goodyear:
• how when we were young, he would shoot the cats who bothered his birds, then years later, he would shoot the birds to teach the cats how to hunt.
Kristopher Mattson:
• Pancakes at the Hoiliday Inn. All I remember is we went on one of his trips and had teh best darn pancakes anywhere. To this day I have yet to have a set of them that would stand up to that trip!
Phillip Penney
• I remember one time going over to grandpas to borrow some tools. As I walked toward the shed with him and my dad I saw the back end of a nice white cat and thought wow that is a little strange the cat is sleeping half under the shed...as I bent down to pet it, I called up to grandpa and asked confusedly "hey grandpa why is your cat sleeping here?"...grandpa looked down at me and said calmly "ooh, he’s no sleeping"....instantly I knew and jumped back.

Shortly later grandpa explained to me that “that Son of a Gun" was eating his other cats food...so in grandpa fashion when faced with a problem, he must choose from some of his problem solving tools such as a sling shot, aqua Velva, dynamite, a shotgun, or more garlic. In this case, like many others grandpa decided for the trusty 22 gauge.



One of the things i am most grateful for, is those last moments he spent smiling at my son...his great-grandson.

Love you grandpa... you will be missed but never forgotten!

mommy's log - June 14, 2009

You squeeled like a happy little baby last night and your daddy and I were so elated! It couldnt have come at a better time. Your great-grandpa is going to heaven. Its been a hard year for everyone, but he is ready and at peace. He saw you smile last week and i could see how happy it made him. He's so proud of his status as a grandfather! I have so many stories to tell you about him! Remind me to tell you about the time he wanted to teach us good business skills when we sold lemonade on Montauk Hwy so many years ago!

mommy's log - June 11, 2009

Started making baby food for you today! Lots of yummy colors and flavors. My goal is to see that you arent as picky of an eater as I was (and still am). We started giving you a little rice cereal and, this week, oatmeal. So far you love oatmeal. Rice cereal.. not so much.

its been a busy week for us, little man! so many photoshoots and now you have taken to crying for a couple of hours almost every night. Not sure what this is about but i had to reposition a comfortable chair under the ceiling fan because that is the only thing that calms you down. I'm thinking you actually might be teething... you chew on your fingers and make a big frown on your face and sad noises. The wash cloth thing seems to help too. I decided to give you tylenol as well when you start crying. I feel so bad for you!

mommy's log - June 4, 2009

well, so much for the sleeping through the night. I fed you at midnight last night and you still found the need to wake at 430am for a diaper change and a bottle! I dont mind. You're still really little so its expected that your schedule is somewhat erratic!

We're sitting on the bed today. Its kinda rainy and chilly (at least for June) and so we are both in PJs. I am folding laundry and watching a special on the Obama's.

You're such a funny little guy... you freak out when i sneeze so i really have to becareful when i let it loose! Just this morning, I had to blow my nose and it scared the daylights out of you. You make such a cute little pouty face that all i can do is giggle as you scream in my arms.

Of course right now, you're all smiles! And that makes me very happy!

mommy's log - May 30th

milestone today!

You slept through the whole night last night... 930pm to 5:30am. Im still in shock and anxiously waiting to see if we'll have a repeat session tonight.

I think i was only slightly more excited when i found i was pregnant!

mommy's log - may 29, 2009

its been a rough week for both of us. Mommy's sick and you're sick of mommy being sick! I totally get that kiddo! Next week will be better... walks to the park... more outside time... and we'll get to spend time with Great Grandma and Great Grandpa since they are moving back to NY this weekend.

You are growing so fast. I can't get over how much your face looks more like a little boy, instead of the tiny little newborn i brought home more than 3 months ago. You've started getting interested in the TV this week, so we bought you a baby mozart dvd that you seem quite intrigued with. Even I like it. It's relaxing and a great way for us to sit and chill together. I even have it playing right now as you sleep next to me on my bed.

Your smile kills me! And you started giggling for daddy this week. For some reason you find him entertaining. Must be the funny faces he makes! You thought it was pretty funny that daddy teased you about "spewing all over mommy" the other day. I wasn't as amused of course, but i loved hearing you giggle and I love that you have a special bond with your daddy.

There are so many things i look forward to doing with you in the near and distant future, but then i remember that I simply must enjoy these days with you as an infant because they will never ever come again.

baby blues

baby blues...

We are hoping he will keep his blue eyes... its fairly likely since we both have blue eyes as well.

He'll be three months this week. Where has time gone? He came down with a cold this weekend. Poor thing. Its not too bad and he's mostly in good spirits.... just stuffy and coughing a little. He should be fine in a few days im sure!

Motherhood agrees with me. I love being a mom. Of course there are good days and bad days but I love knowing the intimate details of what makes my boy cry, talk, coo... what comforts him when he's sad or mad. He and i are still getting to know each other but the last week or so has been so awesome. He's started smiling and cooing so much. He recognizes my voice and looks for me in the room when he hears me. Same with his daddy. I guess that's a good sign that we are doing something right!

tender moments

Is there anything more precious in the whole world than the man you love comforting your child? My little man just wasnt having anything to do with me last night. He was cranky and tired but mommy couldnt hold him right. Five minutes in daddy's arms and he stopped crying and fell fast asleep. I had to capture the moment. It was so tender, i almost cried.

family

I'm having a great time here in Maryland with my aunts and cousins. My cousin melissa, mother to three girls (5,4,and 7 months) opened up her home to me and we fit right in.... yours, mine and ours. She and I are enjoying our time together and i am learning lot about her photography business while im down here. She's taken a few shots of my little one and im hoping to get some of the two of us together this week before we head home.

I've been picking up my camera a bit more down here and taking shots of her and her family. When youre the photographer, you're never in the picture, so i told her i would snap some for her.
















I also took this one of my little boy after he fell asleep on the couch next to me last night.