bitter sweet

So looking forward to a weekend of fun with cousins, aunts, uncles...everyone together again for a reunion. And as much as I love to remember Grandma and Grandpa,I am sort of dreading the memorial service for Grandma that weekend. I still cry all the time and i miss them terribly.

Every week i drop my son off at my Aunt's house, not too far from my grandparent's former residence. And every week I think about "stopping in to say hi" and then remember they are not there. It's been harder than I thought saying goodbye to them. They have been a HUGE part of my life.

I guess im just not ready to deal with it....

in my mind

In my mind...

the big red "boat" of a car is still sitting under the overhang.

they are both lounging in the greenhouse with the little space ray heater going and sipping mate.

there's a lingering smell of garlic in the air of their livingroom.

she's loading and unloading the washing machine....

he's creating some concoction in the kitchen with spinach and eggs and leftovers from the night before.

she's pushing the mower fast and hard across the lawn.

he's elbow deep in grease fixing a tractor.

she's clipping lettuce from the garden for a salad for lunch.

he's lounging in his blue chair with the TV blaring... usually boxing or futbol or CNN.

she's sweeping the driveway.... there's always so many leaves!!!

he's listening to a monetone voiced pastor preach the gospel on some old cassett tape.

she's vaccuming, banging into every piece of furniture in her way.

he's putzing on his computer and calling me for how-to advice.

she's bent over in half weeding her gardens.

he's lighting the BBQ at 9am for an afternoon BBQ with his family.

she's feeding the cats... for the 5th time today.

missing her

I was sitting in a meeting with a nice woman at work. She asked about my son and so i whipped out my iphone to show her a picture of Robie from Thanksgiving time. She complimented him on that cute blue sweater.

I broke down in tears.

Grandma made that sweater for my friend's little boy 5 years ago.

I miss her so much.

Recipe for Living

With the holidays approaching, it makes me think of my grandfather, God rest his soul. He LOVED to cook. To him, every day was Thanksgiving or Christmas or Fourth of July and any excuse he could use to fire up the grill or put a pot of water to boil, he certainly did just that!

It was fairly standard practice – and often in unison – when you walked through the door at my grandparent’s house your greeting would include “are you hungry? Did you eat?” He was always conjuring up some new recipe for eggs or fresh pasta sauce or frying up his latest catch from the bay, yet the aromas that emanated from their kitchen had a familiar and comforting place in my nose. He was famous for his pesto sauce and had quite a talent for BBQ chicken and sausage. It wasn’t uncommon for him to light up the grills at 9am and slow cook the chicken all day. My grandmother would run circles around him prepping all the basics; picking veggies from their ridiculously large veggie garden, chopping them into the desired diced pieces, peeling onions and potatoes, grabbing the flour, the sugar, the salt… and of course cleaning up the mess he left behind in a whirlwind of creativity.

But even stronger than his love for cooking was his desire to be surrounded by family and friends; food, although an important part, in essence, was just a backdrop. The old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” was basic recipe for living in my grandparent’s house, only he was the one cooking and winning the hearts of all who walked through his door.

It wasn’t uncommon for him to make friends with strangers and of course, do what he did best, preach the gospel and prepare a feast for the king of all kings! My grandfather knew more people around the world than I can ever imagine. I’m pretty sure somewhere out there is a man (or many men and women) telling the story of “this one time when I visited Center Moriches I met a man named Martin…” This was how he shared himself with the world and in doing so, he has left a legacy of himself, through food.

So this holiday season, and every single one to come, I vow to make an unforgettable aromatic memories for my son so that my legacy (and my grandfather’s) will be passed on to generations after me. And most of all, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful to have that opportunity.

rough day...

she's on my mind today and always in my heart.

Solid foundations

ive been negligent on my blog again. Two weeks has brought on so many new things! Fevers. colds. head bangs. 5am wake ups. splish splashing in the tub. trips to see Great Grandma. And so much more. But most of all, i love being a mommy. Its the hardest, most tiring, exhausting, draining, mind-boggling job i have ever had. And yet... the most rewarding! Love my little squirt!

I think one of the most important things I would want you to understand is the fact that it's so hard to raise a child without a solid, loving marriage. If there is no strong foundation, the 'building' will come tumbling down. Its so hard to see when you've never been through it. My hope for you is to find someone who fits you... who strengthens you... loves you... pushes you in all the right ways... your daddy is that person for me... He's an awesome man!